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December 17, 2013, in HumorKids by 

If you have kids at home then you know how much they can really test your patience, and we aren’t even talking about the ones that really misbehave and drive you bats-balls crazy. The thing is most of us (at some point — if we’re honest) we’re probably those same madding teenagers we now want to strangle.

My home wasn’t any different. As my daughter stretched into her unique self, she was much like me at her age — stubborn and opinionated. At one point my soldier (a former drill sergeant) so wanted to read her the “riot act” as he did with new recruits. But he didn’t.

… But there was a lot of things he WANTED to say but didn’t.

22 Things a Drill Sgt. Might Want to Say to His Kids

1. The purpose of this counseling is to orient you to the military family you were born into and to ensure that all family issues are resolved easily … until you piss me off.

2. There will be no crying or whining for any reason or a reason will be issued to you.

3. The food provided in this house will be eaten without complaint, if you don’t like it take a knee, face out and drink some water.

4. As your father I have the final say on how you spend your money. Don’t like it? Do some pushups.

5. If you don’t dress age-appropriately, your “new” clothes will consist of my old (altered-especially-for-you) fatigues.

6. There will be zero tolerance when it comes to disrespect, so think about it before you give me a reason to take you out.

7. You getting an education isn’t open for discussion … ever. If your grades aren’t satisfactory, remedial action will soon follow.

8. Treat those around you with respect, however if there’s no other option you are authorized to handle your business.

9. If I didn’t give you an attitude when you were born then you will not have one, EVER.

10. By age 18 you will know what you want to do in life; if not can you say “enlisted”?

11. By age 20 you will be out of the house because I love your mother.

12. You aren’t authorized to have a child before we’re ready for you to be a parent, (but if you do) remember it’s YOUR child not mine.

13. Know that God gave me patience, but only so much.

14. When it comes to dating, remember I am well-trained in the use of firearms and level three combative-certified; and I will shoot first and ask questions later.

15. Remember it can always be worse, don’t make me prove it.

16. I don’t drink alcohol, smoke or do drugs, so guess what? Hello?! You don’t either.

17. You will play some form of sports, and video games don’t count unless it becomes an event in the Olympics.

18. Regarding (paid) chores: if you’re not fired up with motivation, you will be fired with enthusiasm and still have to do it.

19. I reserve the right to an open clause: If you [fill in the blank here] … aka do anything else that I can’t think of right now and break protocol—you don’t have to leave, but you can’t stay here.

20. Plan of action: if there’s anything you disagree with on this form, keep it to yourself until you move out.

21. You don’t need to sign this form, it’s already in the rules and regulations; compliance is mandatory, else I will Article 15 you’re a—.

22. As your Drill Sergeant father, I approve this message.

 

R

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